I’m so tired.

I woke up this morning with the feeling that micro-nomads had been traversing micro sand-dunes under my eyelids all night. Somewhere in the last four days I went from sleeping too much to sleeping far too little and I haven’t struck my balance just yet.

Why is it so much easier to get out of whack then stay in tune? Whatever happened to inertia? I THOUGHT I HAD THIS UNDER CONTROL!?!?!

Sleep is something I crave often and value deeply. I have always been this way. I am not particularly lazy – I will hike for 9 hours straight or pass you the remote, no big deal. But sometimes I crave sleep so intensely that my mother starts looking up thyroid conditions. It is occasionally more appealing than socializing – not something I like to admit. I’ve always been a bit of a bear in that way – there comes a time in my day, or week, or month, where I just need to friggin’ hibernate with a jar of honey and some DVDs.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize and appreciate that my tiredness isn’t always a sign that I need physical rest so much as an indication that I need to slow down and take care of myself in other ways.

For one, I tend to get excited about Life Goals and whatnot and then plan, analyze, strategize, and re-plan. This is exhausting. Worrying about details that will have no relevance until next summer might be helpful at first; it forces me to do my research and prepare for what’s (potentially) to come. But once I have a basic understanding of what’s ahead, inch-by-inch reviews of every deadline, form, confirmation code and contact  person for when The Moment arrives is obsessive and useless – it could even lead to errors, not to mention crushing disappointment when things don’t turn out the way I expected.

…Not that I get too worked up over these superfluous stresses in an obvious way. In fact, most of the time the background noise in my head doesn’t show up as obvious irritation, surliness or panic. But a general molasses-like pull on my energy is usually a sign that I am working too hard somewhere, even if I am not conscious of it.

Either that, or I am Feeling too hard. There is nothing wrong with Being fully with one’s emotions. However, I could be getting 8 hours of sleep each night, eating fibrous wonder meals, and staying away from the liquor cabinet, but if I am repeatedly trying to ease a perennial conflict with my man, feeling guilty about being angry, or caught up in any other combination of emotional knots we tie ourselves into, my body feels it. Pinched neck, droopy cheeks and sore joints are not symptoms of being 24- they are signs that my emotional health could use a boost, or at least a reprieve, from the goings-on of less-than-conscious life. We lose our Selves sometimes. Stepping back to remember the Big Picture, and forgive myself and others for forgetting what It can be, is a way to rediscover the spark that keeps me progressing, energized, and fully alive.

Sometimes, Waking Up is the only thing that allows me to wake up.

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2 Responses to I’m so tired.

  1. Johanna says:

    love your use of capital letters in this post.

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